I needed a few things at a local store, so I stopped on my way home from work. I took out my list, went around the store, and gathered up my items and then checked out. Upon leaving, I realized I wanted to buy something that a co-worker was raving about. I was irritated at myself for forgetting to buy it when I was shopping. The store was crowded and the lines were long as I looked behind me. Thoughts that ran through my mind were “I already checked out and it’s crowded,” “I shouldn’t waste the money,” “I shouldn’t get as I don’t really need it.” Right away I knew I had to ask the logical question, “Cheryl, do you want it?” The answer was “yes!” So, I turned around, went back into the store and bought it!
That scenario reminded me about recovery and how we strive to learn to give our self what we want and deserve and how that fact is usually lost in the disorder. It is important to react to our wants and desires…the healthy ones, not the ones Ed talks about.
You see, when I was with Ed, I didn’t give myself anything I wanted…it wasn’t allowed. I felt guilty if I even thought about the idea. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t want to spend the money on myself or give myself anything nice as it seemed doing that felt wrong. Until one day, I took my power back and realized that I do deserve things and there is no need to feel the guilt Ed said I should. I was worth it. And, you are too!
Sure, it was hard at first to give myself permission to buy things and get what I wanted, but it did get easier as time passed. In getting what I wanted, I gave myself a sense of power and control over my life. I was doing and buying what “I” wanted, not what Ed wanted. Whether it be buying new clothes, new makeup, a purse, going on a trip or just buying a silly item. I’m doing it because it is a want and something I deserve…all without guilt.
Begin to do things you want and desire rather than listening to Ed. Write down things that you “want”, no matter how small it seems. Then make a commitment to acquire, buy, or do two things a week. If you need help, ask your supports. You are strong and can do this. It’s ok and you will be ok. After you complete your goal, journal about it so you can get your feelings out. You deserve the things you want and desire…all without guilt. You can do it!
With health, hope, and strength,
Cheryl
